There's something about the month of February that sneaks up on me. It's like I forget how much February sucks - not just in the slang meaning of being a drag, but how it sucks the warmth out of my fingers and toes, how it sucks the sun out of the sky, how it sucks the life out of my days.
I've heard of seasonal affective disorder, and although I'm fully aware of how hard it is to be happy when it's cold and grey, I don't think that's it. February is a transition month, moving from celebratory December and renewed-purpose January towards March break and April melting. Even the additions of Valentine's Day and the more recent Family Day make it even worse; Valentine's Day can produce such silly anxiety and Family Day isn't really accessible to most people. There's just so much about this month that is about anticipation, waiting and not really anything that changes or improves. It's a slog, a slow march towards spring and hopefulness.
I don't mean to be such a downer - I'm sure there are many good things about this month, but every year I get to February and remember how much it sucks.
The good news is, in two week's time I'll be on vacation.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Happy New Year!
The numbers from Christmas vacation don't lie: we put 3000 km on my poor little Ruby-car in two weeks. Living in Timmins, family and friends all over Southern Ontario, not being willing to say 'no' to any visit plus a little bit of poor planning meant we spent a lot of time in the car, often with two cats in tow. Ruby is a good little workhorse. We were incredibly lucky in our timing - we managed to avoid all the major storms and there were some doozies! We chose to drive at the right times and ended up being in the right cities (i.e. where the storm wasn't hitting) the whole time. After seeing the destruction of the ice storm in the GTA, I'm very grateful. As Ruby's radio antenna snapped off in the cold right before vacation started, J and I discovered the joys of podcasts (nothing makes the time pass like the History of Cheese!). J discovered the joy of being chauffeured about, since he's too tall to fit into Ruby's driver seat AND he hasn't yet learned to drive stick shift. Still, it was nice to spend time with everyone. I'm still adjusting to being that far away, but with Thanksgiving in October, a visit mid-November and two weeks last month, we haven't even been away that long! I was really glad to come home. As much as I loved the hospitality of everyone who was willing to let us stay with them, there's something to be said for your own home. Il vaut mieux un petit chez soi qu'un grand chez les autres. Having access to your own bathroom wins major points too.
(Bad weather delays grocery trucks, creating an apocalyptic scene in the produce aisle)
January is flying by in a bustle of work for both of us. The contract I had in December was extended a week, then another, and now I expect I'll be there at least halftime until the end of the month. I'm glad to have the work, but I had just finally settled into a routine of laziness that was working for me! Teaching up here continues to be tougher than I expected. It's not just that this demographic is not what I'm used to; there's a difference in how you have to teach when life can be this tough. There are some very sad stories that come out about these children. Anyone who has ever knocked how teaching as a career has never had to look a kid in the eye every day after hearing horrific stories of what their home life is like. Try hearing tales that make you physically ill, then spend every day making a safe space for that kid without ever really being able to acknowledge what they're going through. No matter how bad the tale, I'm still responsible for teaching reading and writing. I try not to get my back up too much when people start to slam my profession, but the sheer ignorance of what they say is galling. I don't care to talk about salaries, unions, benefits and pensions because those are part of why I chose teaching - I know they're good. I'd like them to stay that way! What drives me crazy is people who say this is easy. If it's easy, you aren't doing it right. It tears at your heartstrings, eats up your lunch hours and free time, makes you work and think hard about everything you do, and it's completely worth it. But it ain't easy. If I'm doing my job right, I'm exhausted but happy at the end of the day. I know I've done something meaningful with my time.
Mac n' cheese Mondays has taken a short hiatus while I debate the merits of eating healthier in the New Year. I don't like making resolutions, but my belly needs some respite after the richness of holiday indulgence. I did make a recipe from my Smitten Kitchen cookbook - Cheddar Swirl Breakfast Buns - which more than satisfied any craving I was having for carbs and cheese. I can't say enough good things about that cookbook - I read it like a book, over and over again. Today, I cooked a lobster for the first time. Despite my reservations, it was delicious and relatively easy to do. 'Pinchy' stymied me right before he went into the pot by becoming a kung fu master, but the internet quickly gave me the solution. After a five minute time-out in the freezer, Pinchy was sufficiently slow (and hopefully humanely stunned) and I got him into the pot without incident. My challenge for the next time I make lobster is to actually make a meal, not just cook a lobster and then eat it at the counter (which was where the mallet and cutting board were located to smash him to bits)
(Dinah investigates Pinchy)
When I started this blog, I never intended for it to become a journal of daily events. I hoped that it would be a way for me to tell tales of my new life to friends far away but I also hoped that maybe I'd tackle some more important issues. When I was in university, one of my favourite things was to talk about ideas and events with my friends (and I have some smart cookie friends, let me tell you!) Sadly, or maybe naturally, I don't seem to do that anymore. While I'm still up for a good debate most days, my life revolves more around the day-to-day minutiae that make up an ordinary life. I go grocery shopping. I go to work. I snuggle on the couch with my sweetie and watch too much Doctor Who. And life is good that way. Growing up, I struggled with the idea that my life had to be important, had to have meaning, had to create an impact. Now I realize that my life does do those things, just on a private and small scale. I'm learning to stop seeking attention and praise for doing fabulous things because it's exhausting to maintain. For now, I'm happy if dinner turned out well and I got my marking done on time. For tonight, I'll just have to be happy with dinner. The marking can wait.
January is flying by in a bustle of work for both of us. The contract I had in December was extended a week, then another, and now I expect I'll be there at least halftime until the end of the month. I'm glad to have the work, but I had just finally settled into a routine of laziness that was working for me! Teaching up here continues to be tougher than I expected. It's not just that this demographic is not what I'm used to; there's a difference in how you have to teach when life can be this tough. There are some very sad stories that come out about these children. Anyone who has ever knocked how teaching as a career has never had to look a kid in the eye every day after hearing horrific stories of what their home life is like. Try hearing tales that make you physically ill, then spend every day making a safe space for that kid without ever really being able to acknowledge what they're going through. No matter how bad the tale, I'm still responsible for teaching reading and writing. I try not to get my back up too much when people start to slam my profession, but the sheer ignorance of what they say is galling. I don't care to talk about salaries, unions, benefits and pensions because those are part of why I chose teaching - I know they're good. I'd like them to stay that way! What drives me crazy is people who say this is easy. If it's easy, you aren't doing it right. It tears at your heartstrings, eats up your lunch hours and free time, makes you work and think hard about everything you do, and it's completely worth it. But it ain't easy. If I'm doing my job right, I'm exhausted but happy at the end of the day. I know I've done something meaningful with my time.
Mac n' cheese Mondays has taken a short hiatus while I debate the merits of eating healthier in the New Year. I don't like making resolutions, but my belly needs some respite after the richness of holiday indulgence. I did make a recipe from my Smitten Kitchen cookbook - Cheddar Swirl Breakfast Buns - which more than satisfied any craving I was having for carbs and cheese. I can't say enough good things about that cookbook - I read it like a book, over and over again. Today, I cooked a lobster for the first time. Despite my reservations, it was delicious and relatively easy to do. 'Pinchy' stymied me right before he went into the pot by becoming a kung fu master, but the internet quickly gave me the solution. After a five minute time-out in the freezer, Pinchy was sufficiently slow (and hopefully humanely stunned) and I got him into the pot without incident. My challenge for the next time I make lobster is to actually make a meal, not just cook a lobster and then eat it at the counter (which was where the mallet and cutting board were located to smash him to bits)
(Dinah investigates Pinchy)
When I started this blog, I never intended for it to become a journal of daily events. I hoped that it would be a way for me to tell tales of my new life to friends far away but I also hoped that maybe I'd tackle some more important issues. When I was in university, one of my favourite things was to talk about ideas and events with my friends (and I have some smart cookie friends, let me tell you!) Sadly, or maybe naturally, I don't seem to do that anymore. While I'm still up for a good debate most days, my life revolves more around the day-to-day minutiae that make up an ordinary life. I go grocery shopping. I go to work. I snuggle on the couch with my sweetie and watch too much Doctor Who. And life is good that way. Growing up, I struggled with the idea that my life had to be important, had to have meaning, had to create an impact. Now I realize that my life does do those things, just on a private and small scale. I'm learning to stop seeking attention and praise for doing fabulous things because it's exhausting to maintain. For now, I'm happy if dinner turned out well and I got my marking done on time. For tonight, I'll just have to be happy with dinner. The marking can wait.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
When it rains, it pours
Just when I thought I was going to lose my furry little mind, I found a job. Temporary, but it's kept me busy and away from the blog. So here's a recap:
For my birthday, my main squeeze J organized a trip and didn't tell me where we are going. Since I'm not working and I have a lot of time off, we've decided the responsible thing to do is travel! J managed to keep it a secret until we were in the departure lounge. Chicago is a wonderful city! The tourist area is full of parks, wide sidewalks, museums and attractions and gorgeous architecture. We went on a museum-mad walkabout, stayed in a haunted hotel (no evidence found), J took many photos which I have not yet seen, we ate Chicago Deep Dish Pizza (which is really pie and very filling) and I learned about the wonders of Chicago mix popcorn (which is weird, but it works)
The museums and art gallery were amazing. At the Art Institute, I saw Seurat's La Grande Jatte, Impressionists galore, a wonderful installation (I love interactive art), American Gothic (which I found underwhelming) and the most amazing set of miniature rooms. I know it sounds cheesy, but they were so cool. If you are running short on Xmas gifts, I would love a Reactable like the one I saw at the Museum of Science and Industry. The aquarium was probably my favourite - I probably could have had a nap under the shark tank if they would have let me. It was an excellent trip and I would have loved to stay longer, but we came home at the right time; J and I developed some kind of cold from hell the night we got back.
Right after we got back, I dropped off my criminal records check at a school in hopes of getting my name out there, and it was the best thing I could have done. In a wonderful case of right place, right time, I snagged an LTO for the month of December that needed an experienced teacher on short notice. It's a wonderful school. I don't want to say much about the kids, but they are making me earn my wage! It's a good fit for me.
Several Mondays have come and gone, and Mac n' Cheese Mondays has become a greater challenge - not just because of time, but because of the amount of cheese two people can consume! There is a limit. The latest recipe is Kicked Up Mac n' Cheese and it is my favourite so far. It is not spicy at all, in my opinion, but it's nicely zesty with excellent cheesiness. J votes this one a keeper. It is the recipe to beat, so far.
It's all-sorts-of-swear-words kind of cold up here. I am learning all sorts of things, like the wisdom of plugging my car in at night, how to jiggle loose a frozen door and how to layer lots of clothing for yard duty. I'm doing alright so far. I love the snow, and I'd far rather shovel that than deal with piles of slush. I think I've got enough to hold off the cold but local folk have me nervous about February. Today was so cold outside that hurt to breathe deep.
And that's all she wrote, folks. I'll try to keep a more regular schedule soon enough.
For my birthday, my main squeeze J organized a trip and didn't tell me where we are going. Since I'm not working and I have a lot of time off, we've decided the responsible thing to do is travel! J managed to keep it a secret until we were in the departure lounge. Chicago is a wonderful city! The tourist area is full of parks, wide sidewalks, museums and attractions and gorgeous architecture. We went on a museum-mad walkabout, stayed in a haunted hotel (no evidence found), J took many photos which I have not yet seen, we ate Chicago Deep Dish Pizza (which is really pie and very filling) and I learned about the wonders of Chicago mix popcorn (which is weird, but it works)
The museums and art gallery were amazing. At the Art Institute, I saw Seurat's La Grande Jatte, Impressionists galore, a wonderful installation (I love interactive art), American Gothic (which I found underwhelming) and the most amazing set of miniature rooms. I know it sounds cheesy, but they were so cool. If you are running short on Xmas gifts, I would love a Reactable like the one I saw at the Museum of Science and Industry. The aquarium was probably my favourite - I probably could have had a nap under the shark tank if they would have let me. It was an excellent trip and I would have loved to stay longer, but we came home at the right time; J and I developed some kind of cold from hell the night we got back.
Right after we got back, I dropped off my criminal records check at a school in hopes of getting my name out there, and it was the best thing I could have done. In a wonderful case of right place, right time, I snagged an LTO for the month of December that needed an experienced teacher on short notice. It's a wonderful school. I don't want to say much about the kids, but they are making me earn my wage! It's a good fit for me.
Several Mondays have come and gone, and Mac n' Cheese Mondays has become a greater challenge - not just because of time, but because of the amount of cheese two people can consume! There is a limit. The latest recipe is Kicked Up Mac n' Cheese and it is my favourite so far. It is not spicy at all, in my opinion, but it's nicely zesty with excellent cheesiness. J votes this one a keeper. It is the recipe to beat, so far.
It's all-sorts-of-swear-words kind of cold up here. I am learning all sorts of things, like the wisdom of plugging my car in at night, how to jiggle loose a frozen door and how to layer lots of clothing for yard duty. I'm doing alright so far. I love the snow, and I'd far rather shovel that than deal with piles of slush. I think I've got enough to hold off the cold but local folk have me nervous about February. Today was so cold outside that hurt to breathe deep.
And that's all she wrote, folks. I'll try to keep a more regular schedule soon enough.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Mac n' Cheese Mondays
I need a goal. Something to keep me motivated.
I present to you: Mac 'n Cheese Mondays. My quest for the perfect homemade macaroni and cheese recipe.
Don't judge. It's cold up here. We already have several centimetres of snow on the ground and it's several degrees below zero too. The one thing I consistently crave during the hibernation months is hot meals with cheese and carbs.
Today's competitor: Sonoma Mac and Cheese, from Williams-Sonoma. It's got a lot of cheese in it, but the Cheddar/Gruyere/Parmesan blend is pretty mild so it doesn't go over the top. The onion in the sauce is strong but sweet but there aren't many other competing flavours - although nutmeg is a nice touch. I hate boiling milk so that part of the recipe was frustrating and time consuming. Final verdict: pretty good, but I'd like a sharper flavour and more kick.
I present to you: Mac 'n Cheese Mondays. My quest for the perfect homemade macaroni and cheese recipe.
Don't judge. It's cold up here. We already have several centimetres of snow on the ground and it's several degrees below zero too. The one thing I consistently crave during the hibernation months is hot meals with cheese and carbs.
Today's competitor: Sonoma Mac and Cheese, from Williams-Sonoma. It's got a lot of cheese in it, but the Cheddar/Gruyere/Parmesan blend is pretty mild so it doesn't go over the top. The onion in the sauce is strong but sweet but there aren't many other competing flavours - although nutmeg is a nice touch. I hate boiling milk so that part of the recipe was frustrating and time consuming. Final verdict: pretty good, but I'd like a sharper flavour and more kick.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Happily domesticated?
I come from a family of women who wear the pants. The women in my family are strong: strong-willed, strong-bodied and strong in spirit. I feel privileged to have been raised in a house where judgments on my abilities were based on my actions, not my gender. When I went to university, I soon identified as a feminist because -duh- that's how I grew up. While my family is by no means a perfect example of gender equality, I remember both my parents doing household chores based on their skill set. My Dad stayed at home as primary caregiver for a while. My Mom did most of the dry-walling during renovations because she's better at it. Any one of my siblings could be called upon to help with preparing meals, shoveling the driveway, cleaning house or taking out the trash - most often based on who was closest and didn't have a good excuse to avoid it! My grandmother tried to instill in me that the best career for me was a doctor, a lawyer or an architect - traditionally male-dominated jobs. I have never been under any pressure to date or marry. I have been encouraged to get a good job, save and buy my own house.
After all that freedom of choice, I still ended up becoming a teacher. Then, I became not only a teacher but an early primary teacher - a job that is still almost exclusively female. (I still think my grandmother was disappointed when she found out I had lost interest in becoming a university professor.) With all the things I could do in my spare time, I keep a clean house, I enjoy cooking and baking, I read books (mostly novels), I ride horses and, after a long hiatus, I write. I want to learn how to knit. I look forward to having children one day and caring for them. After waves and waves of feminism, I have freely chosen options that would have been perfectly respectable fifty years ago.
How does one negotiate a strong and active identification as a feminist with a life that doesn't challenge any hegemony? I've always relied on my belief that gender equality starts with allowing every person to define their personhood through their actions without the constraints of gender norms, which means my choices reflect my personhood...and then I try to ignore the uncomfortable feeling that the feminists are judging my domesticity.
While it's been a while since anyone criticized me directly, I do have friends who scoff at little when I talk about my desire to enter my ginger-pear jam into a baking contest (seriously folks, this jam is amazing and I'm never going to win a blue ribbon in sports!). In university, I had uncomfortable conversations about (purely theoretical) children and how I fully expect my career will take a blow that it may never recover from. Most recently, I've had colleagues tell me that stepping away from my job for a while to support J's transfer was a major misstep. While I've had the support of my administration for that choice, my principal continues to warn me of the potential consequences.
So what's a pants-wearing gal to do? Do I have any obligation to my political leanings to live a life a little further outside the lines? Or does having a sense of obligation to perform a certain way completely negate the whole gendered argument? I've never met anyone who has outright told me I need to be more butch but there is still a quiet pressure that clouds my plans to find the perfect recipe for homemade mac n' cheese.
The closest I come to peace on this issue was inspired by an article by a woman I used to know but now just admire. While it's about a kind of life I don't fully understand yet, it did help me understand that you can't let your personal choices be dictated by what other people who don't know you very well might think. If you know me, you know that I fight to make sure my voice and power is never diminished by my gender and that I actually do read up on gender pretty frequently. That should be enough.
And if it isn't, feel free to come around. I'll serve you tea and cookies before I tell you where to stuff it. Politely, of course.
After all that freedom of choice, I still ended up becoming a teacher. Then, I became not only a teacher but an early primary teacher - a job that is still almost exclusively female. (I still think my grandmother was disappointed when she found out I had lost interest in becoming a university professor.) With all the things I could do in my spare time, I keep a clean house, I enjoy cooking and baking, I read books (mostly novels), I ride horses and, after a long hiatus, I write. I want to learn how to knit. I look forward to having children one day and caring for them. After waves and waves of feminism, I have freely chosen options that would have been perfectly respectable fifty years ago.
How does one negotiate a strong and active identification as a feminist with a life that doesn't challenge any hegemony? I've always relied on my belief that gender equality starts with allowing every person to define their personhood through their actions without the constraints of gender norms, which means my choices reflect my personhood...and then I try to ignore the uncomfortable feeling that the feminists are judging my domesticity.
While it's been a while since anyone criticized me directly, I do have friends who scoff at little when I talk about my desire to enter my ginger-pear jam into a baking contest (seriously folks, this jam is amazing and I'm never going to win a blue ribbon in sports!). In university, I had uncomfortable conversations about (purely theoretical) children and how I fully expect my career will take a blow that it may never recover from. Most recently, I've had colleagues tell me that stepping away from my job for a while to support J's transfer was a major misstep. While I've had the support of my administration for that choice, my principal continues to warn me of the potential consequences.
So what's a pants-wearing gal to do? Do I have any obligation to my political leanings to live a life a little further outside the lines? Or does having a sense of obligation to perform a certain way completely negate the whole gendered argument? I've never met anyone who has outright told me I need to be more butch but there is still a quiet pressure that clouds my plans to find the perfect recipe for homemade mac n' cheese.
The closest I come to peace on this issue was inspired by an article by a woman I used to know but now just admire. While it's about a kind of life I don't fully understand yet, it did help me understand that you can't let your personal choices be dictated by what other people who don't know you very well might think. If you know me, you know that I fight to make sure my voice and power is never diminished by my gender and that I actually do read up on gender pretty frequently. That should be enough.
And if it isn't, feel free to come around. I'll serve you tea and cookies before I tell you where to stuff it. Politely, of course.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Bad Haiku
I've got some knitting to finish.
Bake cookies. Yoga.
I am very domestic.
I am still in my pjs
I am considering
Making some pumpkin muffins
Bake cookies. Yoga.
I am very domestic.
I am still in my pjs
I am considering
Making some pumpkin muffins
Need ingredients
Need to go grocery shopping
I'll have to get dressed.
When you make life plans, you never plan for nothing. I've had plans for my future ever since I realized I could make plans - I'm that kind of gal. In March, I decided to throw those plans out the window (more on that later), but now I find myself living in Timmins, underemployed, with some serious time on my hands. So what do I do? Yesterday was day one, and I even found myself making plans for nothing. (Control issues?) After tidying an apartment that was already clean (thanks J!), changing my addresses everywhere, checking all the used furniture stores in town (singularly depressing), reading for an hour and making dinner (don't burn the roux!) I still had time on my hands. Today, I'm trying a quieter approach, which is really not working out for me. I'm writing bad haiku, making oatmeal cookies, reading some more, starting a blog, reading my old blog (I really love reading what I wrote in my twenties) and searching Kijiji for used furniture. Still planning away the minutes.
The biggest change I noticed up here didn't become apparent until I spent some time in the GTA after visiting for a week. Everything there felt so rushed. Traffic, line ups, conversations, meals - everything happened faster. After spending a couple weeks at my parents' farm and then coming up here, I realized that life is a little less hectic here. If I could stop planning and just be for a while, I might enjoy it.
We'll see how that goes.
Need to go grocery shopping
I'll have to get dressed.
When you make life plans, you never plan for nothing. I've had plans for my future ever since I realized I could make plans - I'm that kind of gal. In March, I decided to throw those plans out the window (more on that later), but now I find myself living in Timmins, underemployed, with some serious time on my hands. So what do I do? Yesterday was day one, and I even found myself making plans for nothing. (Control issues?) After tidying an apartment that was already clean (thanks J!), changing my addresses everywhere, checking all the used furniture stores in town (singularly depressing), reading for an hour and making dinner (don't burn the roux!) I still had time on my hands. Today, I'm trying a quieter approach, which is really not working out for me. I'm writing bad haiku, making oatmeal cookies, reading some more, starting a blog, reading my old blog (I really love reading what I wrote in my twenties) and searching Kijiji for used furniture. Still planning away the minutes.
The biggest change I noticed up here didn't become apparent until I spent some time in the GTA after visiting for a week. Everything there felt so rushed. Traffic, line ups, conversations, meals - everything happened faster. After spending a couple weeks at my parents' farm and then coming up here, I realized that life is a little less hectic here. If I could stop planning and just be for a while, I might enjoy it.
We'll see how that goes.
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